I don't get it, I just came back from a great vacation with my family to Disney World for the first time ever and I am in this terrible, horrible funk! I don't know what it is but I am feeling so down and dumpy and depressed. I keep wanting to think that it is "after-vacation blues" but I don't know what the deal is!
You know, people always say the grass is always greener on the other side and I think I have a touch of that going on right now. Watching families in Disney and looking at the happy parents and kids and then I look at my family and kids and think, "Where did I go wrong?" Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and my husband but I just don't feel that "bliss" that I feel I should be feeling. I feel like my children fight from the time they get up in the morning and they will do whatever they can to get under each other's skin. Whether it is name calling, hitting each other, or just being down-right nasty, this is what they do every day! My oldest child is grateful for nothing and takes everything for granted (at least this is how I feel. I am sure this isn't the case but I feel like it is often). She doesn't yet get the whole concept of money and how much we actually do for her and sacrifice for her on a daily basis just so that she can dance and do what she loves to do. I am actually getting a second job just so I can support her and still have a little "fun money" for other things. Everything that I do daily revolves around her and her schedule and yet I get this mean, obnoxious little girl almost daily! I know inside of her there is this wonderful heart and very caring person in there but it is so tough some times to see this and remember that this is a little person that I am dealing with. She wants to be so grown up so fast and I am not handling the attitude and the greediness too well. I allow myself to get aggravated and nasty right back with her and I know this is not the answer.
Looking at the way my 3 year old behaves as a result of watching and listening to her older sister, I get just as discouraged and annoyed. I don't know what to do with her! She is feisty as all get out and she does exactly what Kayla does. Today she told Kayla that she was dumb and she hated her! Where does this come from?! I know she has learned it from Kayla! It is so not nice! I did not teach my children to behave this way and I just can't wrap my mind around where I went wrong in teaching them how to treat others!
Watching the people interact in Disney, I really took notice of the couples that were around us. It was so sad for me to watch married and unmarried people around me with such love and affection for each other and then look at myself and see really nothing. Where did I go wrong in my marriage that I am just co-existing with my spouse? I wanted to be in a place where I was absolutely in love with the person every day of my life and where I would look forward to the time we spent together, this just isn't the case. This is not easy for me by any means to sit and write. I am writing this as a way of coping and dealing with my feelings and emotions. Just like in raising my children, I wonder where I went wrong in my marriage. After 15 years of marriage in addition to 5 years of dating, we just exist. We are roommates in our house and we communicate basically when we have to. Our schedules revolve around the kids and work and rarely do we ever meet up, if we do, it is for a quick minute or two at dinner and then it is off again. This isn't anything new in our relationship, it has been building for about four years now and I have thought more about it lately than I ever have. I feel like a failure and I am not sure how to get that spark and romance back...will it ever come back. It is really scary to think that I am going to spend the rest of my life just existing with this person that I have spent more than half my life with. I don't know if we will ever get back to the way we were especially when we rarely talk. When you have let things go and neglect your relationship for so long, can you ever get it back? I know I am mostly to blame for all of this but at the same time, marriage is a two-way street. I notice more and more that he seems to want to spend less and less time with me. We both have neglected our marriage and we both have chosen to do nothing about it. This is what is so difficult for me to process. Watching people this past week who you could tell were absolutely, totally in love with each other and then here we are fighting. Not good for the morale. Hmmmm. I know he loves me and I do love him, but as I lay awake at night I wonder if that is enough to last a life time when there really isn't anything else.